Written on 3/15 while on the plane to Iceland.
I’m currently on my flight to Iceland; and this trip couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I booked this trip for myself in November, several months into the social media agency I’ve been working at. I was making steady money, I was “adulting” as they say, and I was ready to fulfill two of my bucket list goals: Go on a solo trip (hopefully the first of many) and go to Iceland.
About two months ago after working at the agency for close to a year, I noticed a change in my being. I was emotionless, going through the days to get to the next to get to the weekend. I just thought, “well this is life now”. I wasn’t sleeping well, woke up with stomach pains, and lost interest in all that I was doing. I finally admitted to myself that I was depressed, overworked, and burnt out for the last time over work that didn’t fuel any drive and motivation in me. I was working long hours to prove that I was capable of hard work as if it was something worth bragging about. “Sorry I JUST got off work. I started at 8 today and didn’t leave the office ’till 8.” “No way, back at my old agency we would stay until 10pm.” As if working more hours made you more of a valuable person. After a while, the game gets old and starts sounding like a “who can get punched in the face harder” type of discussion.
So I gave my 4 weeks notice and was going to get myself together again. I played with the idea of finding another agency because it would be narrow minded of me to assume all agencies were the same, but I thought about my long term goals and staying/growing in social media or marketing wasn’t fulfilling. For a while, I felt like something was wrong with me; that just within a year at this position I was already leaving. I’m never quick to blame others, so I had to question myself. With the bit of relief I felt from giving my notice, I found clarity and reminded myself: it’s not that I’m not capable of hard work, I’m just tired of being a fish trying to climb a tree. And having external voices shaming my own intuition into telling myself “you’re a frog, be a frog, why can’t you fucking be a frog?!” is not going to magically give me the capabilities to excel in another line of work. I’m now working on a longtime career and projects I care about.
I, and I think many of us, give up our intuition when there is a process set in place that has proven results so we don’t have to rely on the uncertainty of “feeling”. What I think we’re really doing is disconnecting our minds from our bodies and functioning on a surface level of a physical world. It sounds like some hippie spiritual shit, but close-mindedness and solely logical thinking is why the world seems to be falling apart. We do things for the sake of physical world rationale. We put emphasis on high paying jobs so we can buy physical objects that tell people we have high paying jobs. We should be putting emphasis on our minds that can be so powerful in positive ways that then reflect onto others in the world.
I was numbing my mind so I wouldn’t fall into anything darker than what I was already feeling. I wasn’t doing anything for myself, therefore not doing anything for others which is uncharacteristic of me. I think it’s uncharacteristic of humans in general. I’m relearning conscious ways of living and thinking that I once knew and open to new territories that will challenge the way I think in hopes of changing others’ perspectives of the mind and spirituality.
So I’m here on this plane, getting a restart and following my intuition that I will fall in love with Iceland not knowing too much about it, especially when I first made the decision 10 years ago. All I knew was you could see the Northern Lights, something I’ve always been fascinated with. And as we move closer to our destination and our pilot turns off the cabin lights so we can get a glimpse of them, I can’t help but bawl my eyes out because it’s everything I knew it would be. Confirming that I know more about myself than I could possibly wrap my head around, and that there are natural forces on this Earth that make me feel a connection bigger than myself.
Find that thing that makes you feel the same and run with it.